A Pirate's Guide to Courting
by Debonaire Luman
Summary: Jack and Norrington put their brilliant heads together to split up the perfect couple, Will and Elizabeth. No, of course they're not going about it the wrong way. Their plan is flawless! On second thought... Jack/Will, Norrington/Elizabeth Warnings: Slash, male x male
1. Chapter 1

**Summary: Jack and Norrington band together to split up the perfect couple, Will and Elizabeth. No, of **_**course**_** they're not going about it the wrong way… Jack/Will, Norrington/Elizabeth**

**Warnings: Slash, male x male**

**Disclaimer: It's a darn good thing I don't own this…**

* * *

><p>Prologue<p>

XXXXXXXXXX

The Captain glared at them from his place behind the wheel. How dare they be together!? Jack watched him tell her about the stars, but he couldn't hear what they were saying. He watched her laugh and take his arm. He watched them smile, practically gagging on the happiness.

And he wanted to stab something!

The same question blared through him mind: how dare they!?

James Norrington smirked at Jack's malicious face. Oh, he knew why it made him mad. He knew why Jack was so hostile seeing them together. He felt the same. BUT, he had a plan...

Jack subconsciously rapped his fingers on the wheel, not noticing when Norrington stalked up behind him.

"It's impolite to stare, Sparrow," the man chided sarcastically.

Caught off guard, Jack fumbled, "I'm not staring! I'm just... glancing around. Excuse me for doing my job."

Norrington looked at him sharply. "I know what you were looking at."

Jack rolled his eyes at him, "I don't fancy Elizabeth if that's what you think."

Norrington laughed, "No, I know you don't," he lowered his voice, "You fancy Will."

Jack's surprise showed candidly on his face as he began to defend himself, "That's ridiculous! Captain Jack Sparrow doesn't sail on THAT sea, mate."

Norrington rolled his eyes, "I've seen the way you watch him. And how drastically different it is from the way you watch them. I can help you. We can split them up," he gave an evil smile.

"Why would you help me?" Jack looked suspicious, as if he were being handed free candy.

Norrington pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration. "Look here, you want Will, right?"

"Yeah- I mean No!"

"And I want Elizabeth. We break them up and pick up the pieces for ourselves."

"Ah ha!" Jack's lips curved into an evil smile to match Norrington's. This was a flawless plan! How could anyone not fancy Captain Jack Sparrow, after all?

* * *

><p>AN: And there ya go! More coming soon, because this was a short chapter. I'll do my diggity-dog best to post in a (semi) timely fashion!

As always, your reviews will be hung up on the Wall of Perfection!

The world actually does revolve around you. Don't listen to Copernicus.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

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><p>"Alright, what's the plan?" Jack whispered (not so) covertly across the table.<p>

Norrington flushed, "I- I don't know! I thought you would have one. My plan was to get you in on the plan. You usually come up with the rest."

Jack put a hand over his face and huffed, "Okay, okay. I've got an idea. We throw Elizabeth into the sea, and you save her. I'll comfort Will and he will love me, and you get to be Elizabeth's hero!"

Norrington looked as if he had just witnessed someone running into a wall repeatedly, "That is the dumbest plan I've ever heard! Why don't we throw Will in the ocean and you risk your life being gallant!? Also, I think she would notice that we were the ones who threw her overboard in the first place! Sort of defeats the purpose…"

Jack scowled. "Well have you got a better plan!?"

Norrington's confidence faltered, "No..." His eyes lit up suddenly, "Wait! I've got it..."

"I don't think this is a very good idea," Jack called to Norrington, who prepared to jump off the mast.

"Sure it is," he shouted back with a nervous tone, wobbling to keep his balance. He was certainly no acrobat.

The plan was that Norrington would break one or more appendages when he 'fell while fixing the sail' and Elizabeth's natural feminine instinct to take care of him would tear her away from Will, who, consequentially, would be very bored, at which point in time, Jack would step in to 'entertain' him. Whilst apart from each other and in different company, Will and Elizabeth will uncover their true feelings for Jack and Norrington (respectively of course).

Flawless! Except for the bit where Norrington could potentially die... Only a minor setback.

Nevertheless, he stood, looking down and feeling nauseated, "Okay, I'm going to count to f-five."

Jack rolled his eyes and started to walk away, doubting he would actually do it.

On the count, though, Norrington jumped, much to Jack's surprise and admiration. Well, that was a bit of a stretch. More of a subtle respect. Norrington looked very pale and in pain, but gave Jack the signal to draw attention.

"Good gravy! Norrington just fell off the mast!" Jack exclaimed, making a glorious scene, "He needs medical attention! Someone with nurturing instincts come quickly!"

Norrington rolled his eyes. Good gravy? Really? They should have rehearsed...

A few crew members sauntered over uninterestedly. Elizabeth, however, rushed over in a hurry, much to Norrington's delight.

"Oh, James! Are you alright?!" she questioned, examining his leg, "You're so reckless! You could have died! Does it hurt?"

"Only a little. I'll be fine," he played it rock-solid, "Do you think it's broken?"

"Looks like it. Maybe at the ankle," she touched it gingerly.

Norrington winced and put a hand to hers.

"Sorry. It's definitely the ankle," she nodded. They locked eyes for a far-too-short moment.

"I know how to set that," some random crew member who wasn't Elizabeth exclaimed, "Help me move him to the cabin."

Jack and Norrington glanced at each other and groaned. How perfect. What a total waste. Elizabeth and Will walked away as if nothing ever happened. Together.

Ugh, time for a new plan...

* * *

><p>AN: Thus the madness begins! Hope you enjoyed it, babes. Poor Norrington. Good thing he didn't die...

Well, more coming eventually. Already started chapter 3! I'm on top of things, yeah? Heh, no...

Have a super fabulous weekend! Catch you later!


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

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><p>Back at headquarters (a.k.a. the table in the corner), Jack and Norrington put their heads together to formulate a new plan. Considering their previous failure, they decide to try something a little riskier...<p>

**xxx**

"Alright Norrington, have any more brilliant plans?" Jack asked sarcastically.

Norrington sneered. "I don't know, Sparrow, why don't you think of something?" he replied in the same caustic tone, readjusting his wrapped leg.

Jack exhaled sharply and probed his brain for a whim of an idea.

"AH HA!" he exclaimed loudly, nearly giving Norrington a heart attack and drawing the attention of every crew member in the cabin. Jack smiled awkwardly and lowered his voice again.

"Okay, here it is. The four of us get very drunk. Then we can flirt promiscuously and sort everything out when we're sober."

Norrington stayed quiet for a while, pondering the proposal, "This could either be very brilliant, or very detrimental. But it's worth a shot, I suppose."

"Wonderful! Tonight then."

They shook on it and split up surreptitiously.

**xxx**

"Ey William, come have a drink with us!" Jack called, raising his glass.

Elizabeth shook her head, "We're having a conversation here!"

"Aw, come on! Get out of each other's hair for just one moment and come conversate with us!" Jack pleaded.

"That's not a word," Norrington whispered between his teeth. He held up a glass to Will, who shrugged and walked over, followed by Elizabeth.

"Have a seat," Jack said, making room beside him on the side of the ship. Will perched there happily, taking the glass with a smile. Elizabeth huffed, but accepted the drink and sat beside Norrington on the makeshift bench.

"Alcohol induced conversations are much more interesting anyway," Jack smiled, taking a deep swig.

Will smiled at Elizabeth to take the edge off her mood. She shrugged and smiled too. And Norrington smiled because everyone else did.

They all drank. And drank again. And again. Until they ran out. And then they opened another bottle.

By then, it was dark, and the candles Jack so subtly placed illuminated the scene elegantly.

" 'Ave another," Jack slurred, pouring a bit in Will's glass and a great deal in his lap. Will giggled drunkenly and did his best to swallow it. He leaned heavily on Jack to keep from falling off the side. Jack slid his arm behind Will's back and winked at Norrington, who silently congratulated him by tipping his head. He, however, was not so lucky. Elizabeth had already passed out. Bummer. He played off his irritation by pouring more rum.

Jack mouthed to Norrington, 'Make her blue bread.'

What? What was she supposed to do with blue bread? Or was that a pirate slang term for something debauched?

Norrington knit his eyebrows and cocked his head.

'Take her to bed,' Jack mouthed again.

Oh. That made more sense. Norrington nodded and stood, picking Elizabeth up and leaving Jack with Will.

Will looked up. "Oh, thank you Norrington," he said surprisingly coherently, and then went back to his drunken chat with Jack.

It seemed this night would prove to be successful. For Jack.

But of course, seeming success is the cue for failure.

**xxx**

'Where does she even sleep?' Norrington asked himself, growing irritable. At this (highly drunken) point, he didn't care where he left her. That bed over there looked fine. Enough. He borderline tossed her down and stumbled his way back to his own bed before passing out in the sheets.

**xxx**

Will laughed for the umpteenth time at something Jack said and drained his glass, pressing their bodies closer together.

"Drink the rest," Jack held up the bottle, sloshing the last bit around.

"You drink the rest," Will grinned coyly.

"There's not that much. You drink it," Jack leaned in, equally flirtatious, "Or can you not drink anymore?"

"I could drink more, if I wanted to. It's just rude to drink the last bit," Will justified.

"We can share it," Jack lowered his voice, now very close to Will's face.

"Good idea."

Jack tilted the bottle up to Will's lips before bringing it back to his own, holding his gaze the whole time.

Will giggled and fingered Jack's shirt absently, causing a sly smile to spread across Jack's face.

"Do you find my shirt quite intriguing?" he smirked, leaning in so only a mere inch separated them.

Will stared at Jack's lips with heavy eyes and a finger hooked in his shirt, mind obviously no longer functioning, "I... Wh... What did you say?"

"Turner!" Barbosa snapped, appearing in front of them.

And all good feelings dissipated. Like a drop of water in the hot sun. Jack retracted his arm and Will scooted away quickly.

"Yes sir?" he asked, appearing astoundingly sober. (How does he do that?)

"Yer still on duty. Get back to work! Both you and Sparrow will work double shifts tomorrow," he commanded in the cold, hard tone of a stone wall.

Will stood and straightened his shirt. He didn't say anything as he walked away.

Had he been more coherent, Jack would have spoken some sort of apology. Or retort. Or something! But as it was, he too remained silent, simply staring yearningly after Will.

**xxx**

Later that night, every single pirate aboard the blasted ship woke to the wretched squawks of Cotton's parrot. Evidently, some of the crew came in from a late night of drinking, Cotton among them. Needless to say, the bird was quite displeasured with the sight of Elizabeth in Cotton's bed.

And then Barbosa showed up.

He somehow found the clues that traced back to Norrington, and gave him double shifts for the next day. Also Elizabeth earned the eternal wrath of Cotton's bird. Pretty bad evening all around.

Not such a great plan after all...

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><p>AN: Yeah, this chapter makes me happy. And you know what else makes me happy? Reviews!

Well, I hoped you enjoyed it. Or at least it made you laugh.

Catch you later, babes.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

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><p>Whilst on double shifts, Jack and Norrington attempt to think of a plan that WON'T blow up in their faces. It's not going so well...<p>

**xxx**

"This is your fault," Norrington blamed, sloshing the bucket of water on the deck.

"I don't quite see how I'm to blame, here," Jack paused.

"It was your idea, so it's your fault."

Jack narrowed his eyes and "accidentally" dumped water on Norrington's shoes.

Norrington was too tired (and hung-over) to do more than sneer in retaliation.

"You were the one who put her in the wrong bed."

"You were the one who got me drunk enough to put her in the wrong bed."

"Not my fault," Jack gazed at Will, who scrubbed diligently, just out of earshot, "It's my fault he has to do doubles, though."

Norrington looked at the younger man as well, "He'll live."

Will noticed them staring. He smiled and waved in confusion before getting back to work.

Norrington smirked and turned back around, "He's cute."

"Yeah," Jack grinned to himself.

He finally quit staring and sighed in frustration, "We were so close! Well, I was so close."

"Why didn't you offer to help him last night?"

"I wasn't thinking straight!"

A long moment of brooding misery passed before Jack piped up again, "I have a plan!"

"Not now, Jack. I'm on the verge of becoming homicidal."

"Here it is," he put a hand on Norrington's shoulder, "We steal their mail!"

He blinked apathetically, "I don't get it."

Jack huffed and re-explained, although he didn't quite know what part of that was difficult to understand. "We- meaning you and I. Steal- meaning take. We're pirates, we should know about that. Their- meaning belonging to Elizabeth and Will. Mail- meaning the little notes they write to each other."

"How's that going to help anything?"

Jack paused, "...It will make them... Sad."

"Great plan," Norrington's tone drowned Jack in sarcasm.

Jack narrowed his eyes and found he had no more water to pour on Norrington's shoes.

More brooding misery.

Then Norrington cheered up instantly, "What if we steal their mail and replace it with fake letters!"

They shared an ah-ha! moment and began to work more swiftly than they ever had in their lives.

**xxx**

"Alright, let's see what she wrote," Jack huddled next to Norrington back at headquarters.

Clearing his throat, he read, "Dearest Will, I assure you, nothing more than an old friendship exists between Norrington and myself. You should have no reason for concern."

"Short and to the point. Why discuss this through mail?" Norrington questioned.

"People these days. We're losing the art of face to face communication..." Jack said thoughtfully.

Norrington rolled his eyes, "But the heart of the matter is that we've given them enough cause for concern... Progress..."

They looked at each other with evil smiles blooming on their faces.

"You write it," Jack said, "Your handwriting is more feminine."

Norrington glared at him.

"...What? It is... Just write."

**xxx**

Will opened the (fake) letter with an unusual amount of trepidation.

He read to himself, 'Dearest Will, I am in love with Norrington. We should break up. Sincerely, Elizabeth'

...What? How very uncharacteristic of Elizabeth. Eh, maybe she was drunk. Anyway, the letter wasn't very reassuring! He went to look for Elizabeth with a pensive frown.

**xxx**

"Did you do it?"

Norrington sat up abruptly, "Do what?"

"The swap, James. Did you get the you-know-what?"

"Oh, the letter. No. He didn't write anything back."

"He knows. I'd bet on it. We are screwed," Jack threw a hand dramatically over his eyes.

"It's not like the letter was all that inconspicuous anyway..."

"Maybe he won't figure out exactly who wrote it," Jack hoped.

"If he doesn't, Elizabeth will. I wouldn't hold too much hope."

Jack glared at him.

**xxx**

"Elizabeth? Did you write this?" Will asked, handing her the crumpled slip of paper.

She took it hesitantly, skimmed over it, and hurled it into the ocean, her face growing livid. "JAAACK! You good-for-nothing sleaze!"

Said sleaze cringed.

"He's over here," Norrington said nonchalantly.

"Thanks for throwing me under the ship, James."

Elizabeth looked like the Kraken, Medusa, and Barbosa all rolled into one, "You wrote that letter, didn't you?!"

"Wha- me? Why would you just blame me without any proo-"

"I know it was you!"

"Oh, come on. Norrington helped!" Jack accused.

She turned to Norrington with an equal amount of livid-ness. "This is so childish! Don't go through people's mail! It's private," she finished, walking away and pulling Will in suit, who looked over his shoulder disapprovingly before turning back around.

Jack and Norrington stared after them, hearts hurting and spirits sinking.

"Great plan," Norrington criticized sarcastically.

* * *

><p>AN: Poor Jack and Norrie! All their plans go horribly wrong. Maybe if they'd put more thought into that fake letter…

Don't worry, though! They'll succeed eventually, I promise! Until then, take comfort in the fact that this isn't your love life.

Thank you to those who review/follow/favorite/laugh/bake cookies/kiss puppies/all the jazz!

Haha, love you a lot.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

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><p>"This next plan has to be absolutely perfect if we want-"<p>

"Jack! It's not going to work! We can't pull this off. Not anymore. I'd be surprised if they even spoke to us again," Norrington said bitterly, taking a swig of rum, "We have to abort."

Jack was taken aback by the sudden cynicism, "What? We can fix this. I've already got a plan."

"Oooh. Because that went so well the last time."

Stupid Norrington being right all the time! It could have been worse!

"Just listen to me. This plan is actually respectable. Please?"

Norrington waved his hand as a sign for him to speak.

"Okay. Here it is. We talk to them. That's it. Respectable, right?"

"I suppose. Talk about what?"

"You know, have a normal conversation without trying to manipulate them. Even if it doesn't work, we can still redeem ourselves. Maybe be friends."

Norrington stared at him for a moment and smiled, "I like it, Jack. I wouldn't have thought you could come up with something like that. Something respectable, I mean. I'm proud of you."

Jack grimaced like a child being doted on by a mother, "I won't be making a habit of it..."

"No, it's actually a wonderful plan. It can't go wrong!"

Jack looked horrified, "Find some wood!"

"Wood? Shouldn't be too hard to find since we're on a ship..."

"Knock on it! Quickly!"

"Don't be so paranoid," Norrington shook his head, but knocked on the table anyway.

"Alright, let's go," Jack rubbed his hands together.

**xxx**

"Hello, William," Jack twiddled his fingers at Will, who looked mildly confused, but waved back.

"I wanted to apologize for uh, going through your mail and such. So if you ever want to talk about your relationship problems- or anything else- if you're just kind of lonely and you want someone to talk to- I'm here. I mean available- to talk, that is. With you. Oy..."

Will laughed awkwardly, "Right. It's okay- about the mail. No big deal."

"That's good to know..."

"Yeah..."

Long, awkward silence.

**xxx**

Norrington, on the other hand, took a different approach. That is- a less awkward one. He saw Elizabeth leaning over the side of the ship with her head balanced on her hand and the tiniest frown.

"Miss Elizabeth," he greeted charmingly.

"Oh, Hello James," she cheered for a moment.

"You seem perplexed. Are you alright?"

She smiled at him politely, as if she were unsure of what to say.

"I'm fine. Fine."

Norrington smirked at her, "If you say so..."

She laughed.

"You know you can talk to me about whatever's bothering you."

She pursed her lips indecisively, "It's just that... Will and I have been somewhat strained lately."

"I saw what he wrote- I do apologize for that, by the way. If there's anything I can do to help, just ask."

"I don't think you would be the best person to ask. From Will's standpoint, anyway," she rolled her eyes.

"He doesn't have to approve," Norrington persuaded.

She grinned coyly and proceeded to spit out her train of thought.

Norrington smiled in triumph...

**xxx**

"..."

"..."

"...So... You like... Boats?" Jack struggled.

"Er, yeah. They're not so bad..."

"Me too. I like boats. Too..."

Will chuckled, "Wow, we have so much in common."

Jack cleared his throat, "Heh, yeah... So..."

"Um, it's a beautiful day," Will said finally.

"Oh, yeah. Gorgeous."

"Clear sky."

"Cool breeze."

"Sparkling water."

They stayed silent for a long time, looking over the sea and occasionally stealing sideways glances at each other.

"Are you alright, Jack?"

"What? Yes, fine. Why do you ask?" Jack stammered.

Will shook his head in amusement, "I've just never seen you like this. Not having anything to say."

Turning slightly red, Jack replied, "Oh, I'm just... Like this. Around you."

"Around me?"

"Y- yeah... Um, I should get back to work," Jack fidgeted, stepping away.

"Right, okay. Uh, maybe we could talk later," Will said with a slight nervousness in his voice.

"Yeah. That sounds good."

Will gave a small smile and backed away to finish his work.

Jack scurried away, as if leaving the area would erase the memory.

**xxx**

Norrington flopped down at headquarters, exclaiming, "Jack, that was the best plan we've had yet! I think she really likes me! Aaah, this is great. Have you had any luck?"

Jack narrowed his eyes bitterly, "No. Not really."

"Oh. Sorry. But listen, I think she really likes me."

"Well congratulations Mr. Romantic! Getting a woman to like you is a real feat! But it's a little harder trying to turn a straight man gay! Pirates aren't so great at heart-felt conversations!" Jack gesticulated exaggeratedly to drive his point, "I need a new plan!"

Norrington pursed his lips thoughtfully, "Alright. Once they break up- which I have definitely got that covered, by the way- I'll ask Elizabeth to help set you up with Will."

"Why would she help?"

"Why wouldn't she?"

Jack scoffed, "Why wouldn't she? Because she's a girl! That's why!"

Norrington knit his eyebrows, "Well, yes, she is. But I don't see how-"

"Oh, James," Jack tsked, "You have much to learn. For some reason, girls don't want their ex getting involved in another relationship."

"Oh... Well, can't we ask anyway? It's worth a shot," Norrington reasoned, "Do you have a better idea?"

"I... Er, no. Alright, maybe you should ask. But first things first- we have to break them up."

"I told you, it's only a matter of time."

"Yeah, yeah. You're a charming guy. I'm just saying, what's wrong with speeding up the process?" Jack persuaded to the utmost of his wondrous abilities.

Norrington narrowed his eyes, "Don't tell me you have..."

"Another plan!" Jack cheered.

Mixed feelings about this dangerous but potentially profitable prospect...

"To headquarters!"

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><p>AN: Hahaha, boats… Sounds like my flirting.

Man, Norrington is such a dream! Plot twist: Norrington falls in love with me. The end.

Jack is totally ruining it with his other plans. Can't he see Will likes him!? Norrie's got it covered though. Let's say maybe two or three more chapters, maybe?

Yeah, sorry this took so long…

And as always, love you all and thanks for reading!


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